Atavism

You would give anything to have someone to give to. Except your pride, which is the primary obstacle. You wish you could bend at the knee, swear fealty, your hands between those of your lord. You want to belong to someone, to have a purpose, to no longer need to worry about the questions of “what” and “why”. The you could focus your energies on being the best vassal, pour yourself into the “how”, cast off your nihilism – pass it up the chain.

This movement of sentiments is quite opposed to the modern world, the nihilistic insecurity is the price for dynamism and material comfort. And surely you know by now that this is where you belong? You may dream of “spiritual and political certainties” but is there any you would truly take for your own? Would you surrender freedom for comfort, even despite your longings?

All this is human, and the defining issue of our age. You share in your isolation with a world of others, unable to adjust to the world in which “everything solid melts into air” yet equally unable to relinquish it’s benefits. Some day natural selection will deal with this perhaps? Centuries of suicides will whittle away at human psychology and those best adapted will happily breed and consume and continue.

The thought of it horrifies you. “Let misery survive!” you proclaim, “may every moment of anguish bear a thousand sons, may they overrun the earth like the Golden Horde, may the Khanate of the disaffected last a thousand years.”

This hostile prayer of survival brings joy to your primitive blood, it swoons at the thought of conquest and massacres. So you become content, and turn back to your modern life, forgetting whatever it was that provoked these atavistic feelings.

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